Porcupine Hairspray Review

Receiving a cardboard box with holes in it from ACME Reviews is an alarming way to start out the day.

Upon opening the box, I found that either the number of holes had been insufficient to keep the porcupine alive, or else the poor creature had frozen to death in the cold temperatures we've been having this morning.

...As a side note, I have to say that I certainly wonder what delivery company ACME Reviews uses as their postal service.  UPS and FEDEX don't deliver before 5AM, do they?

Anyway.

Along with the porcupine was a bottle of hairspray.  For porcupines.

Puzzled?  So was I.  But I'll get into that in my review.

Unfortunately, I couldn't really use the spray on a dead porcupine and call it a proper review, so I went down to the convenience store on the corner and bought a porcupine.  I hope I get reimbursed for such expenditures.

Porcupine Hairspray Review

Pros:
-Extra-strength marking on package is not a lie.
-Blowback from aerosol is enough to keep one's arm hair sticking up through at least two days and six showers.
-Definitely gives your porcupine a distinct new hairdo.

Cons:
-OMG IT WON'T COME OFF!
-Very 90's.  Can you say "Big Hair?"
-Okay, ACME Reviews.  Really.  How many of your reviewers SURVIVE their first year on the job?  I mean, you have sent me some amazingly dangerous stuff, and the litany of antagonistic products does not appear to be abating!  What am I supposed to do with a porcupine which has its quills sticking out in every direction of the XYZ axis?  I have a Prickly Ball of Death rolling around my home now!

Verdict:
The makers of PorcuSpray have inadvertently created a rival to Viagra.  I therefore rate this product one erect (censored).

Twilight Effect Review (kinda)

Okay, so I've never seen a Twilight movie or read a Twilight book, but as of today I can certainly talk about its effects on the human population.

I happened to walk by a glitter factory today, and someone had evidently left one of the air vents open to outside because I got a good dosing of microscopic sparklies that WOULD NOT COME OFF.  (If you've ever worked in a preschool, you know what I mean.)  Thereafter, for the rest of the day I had to hide from sight: all the females around me wanted to have carnal knowledge of my body, and all the men (well, the straight ones, anyway) appeared to want to murder me. 

What the heck is wrong with this Twilight thing?  Why did it make people want to shag me or kill me or both (and not necessarily in that order) just for looking like a preschool art project?

Verdict: I rate the Effect of Twilight to be two glue sticks.

Review of Extraday

I can't get this blog's software to work correctly, for some reason.  It keeps trying to say that it's Thursday, but it's not!  It's... (cue ominous mix of Darth Vader Theme and Jaws Theme) ...Extraday.

It might seem a bit silly to "review" a day, but since people often say their favorite day of the week is Friday and their least favorite is Monday, it obviously shows that days of the week can be rated on a qualitative, if not quantitative, scale of measurement.  Let us do so now.

Extraday

Pros:
-Inserts itself into the week either before or after Wednesday on an unpredictable schedule, which makes life a little more exciting.
-Can add some much-needed extra hours to a work week when there simply hasn't been enough time to get everything done.
-Reduces the mathematical inaccuracy of the Beatles' classic love song, "Eight Days a Week."

Cons:
-Only ever appears when the week is already dragging by on its way to a weekend of awesome, delaying said awesomeness.
-Fouls up both the astrological calendar and the Gregorian calendar something awful, requiring mass brainwashing and removal of memories by Men in Black.
-Throws off the theme for the rest of the days of the week.  Wednesday = Wodin's Day, Thursday = Thor's Day, etc., whereas Extraday is only self-descriptive.

Verdict: I would have given Extraday eight stopwatches out of ten, but since Extraday is a cousin of the 29th of February, I realize it's coming in with a handicap.  Therefore, I rate it a ...
...
.....
........
..........I'm sorry, I think I just had a visitor and forgot what I was writing about fnord fnord.  Where was I?  ...I guess I'll just have to try again, maybe after a little nap...

Disco Zombies Review

Apparently Acme Reviewing Company has an Arts & Entertainment division.  I received two tickets in the mail for a dance recital in downtown Greensboro.  Eager to get to review something that for once did not invade my home in some way, I arrived early at the dance hall.

Fashionably late would have been better.

Disco Zombies

Pros:
-Shuffling gait and jerky gestures overlapped in the type of creature and the type of dancing.
-Zombies on roller skates were tragically hilarious.
-Against all odds, the event attracted a large number of rather pretty and rather violent young women who, just like in the movies, proceeded to end the show and "bring down the house"... literally.

Cons:
-Zombies: repulsive.
-Disco: repulsive.
-Proliferation of polyester did little to keep all body parts attached to the zombies, causing dancers to trip over each others' parts.  Did I mention repulsive?

Verdict:
Dear God, how did I come out of this with any sanity left to my name?  Whatever math major dreamt this up needs to do the human race a favor and go divide himself by zero.  In this case, a negative times a negative does NOT produce a positive: it's more like repulsive, squared.  I give these disco zombies twenty-two severed, rotting thumbs down.

Armageddon Couch Review

Something was not right when I went to sit on couch.  It had been replaced by an Armageddon Couch, from Couches of Doom (tm).  How the Couches of Doom movers managed to get in here, take my couch, and replace it with the Armageddon Couch I have no idea, but there it was.  They didn't leave any notes or instructions, but I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to review it -- unless this is just something that Couches of Doom does, perhaps?  If it is, I don't think much of their business model.  Not only are they giving their product away and making no profit, they're also breaking and entering, and may go to jail if they try this with someone who is not enslaved to the Acme Reviewing Company.

Armageddon Couch

Pros:
-Cushy, overstuffed piece of furniture.
-Stain-resistant, bedbug-resistant, nuclearholocaust-resistant.
-Cats would find themselves unintentionally de-clawed if they tried to use this sucker as a scratching post.

Cons:
-Owning something that is specifically engineered to last longer than you are is a constant reminder of one's mortality.  (This may be a "pro" for the Carpe Diem type of personality.)
-Impossible to move.  You think that couch you've had since college was difficult to get down a flight of dorm steps with the help of a friend or two lured by the promise of free pizza?  Try moving something that weighs more than the rest of my house combined and is so slick you can't even sit down quickly for fear of sliding off into the coffee table, let alone get a grip on it!
-Who the heck needs a couch that can survive a nuclear explosion?  "Oh, wow, I can sleep soundly tonight: if a nuclear bomb goes off, at least my skeleton can lay on this ridiculous sofa for eternity.  What a great investment -- it's like an open-faced coffin you get to use before you die, too!"

Verdict:
I give this Armageddon Couch two hearty mushroom clouds up.  Despite its unnecessariness, lack of maneuverability, and philosophical deadweight, the product certainly lives up to its description and claims.  ...Now, would you please come back and take it away, Couches of Doom movers?  Or at least shift it back three inches.  I'm banging my shins against the coffee table every time I get on or off.

(And for those of you who are eagerly following the race, yes, the slugs are still going.)

Truffle-Hunting Pig Review

Living as close to Lexington, NC as I do, pigs tend to get a bit nervous when they enter the region.  (For those of you who do not know, Lexington is considered one of the barbecue capitals of the world specifically for their pork.)  So I was a little surprised to find a pig with a nametag collar sitting at my front door this morning, staring up at me from the welcome mat.  A note attached to the collar indicated that this swine (whose name is Chauvin) was a specially bred truffle-hunting pig, trained by none other than the world-famous French hogmaster, Peurkeigh Piggh.  He asked me to review his swine's abilities, and I was only happy to oblige -- after all, truffles can go for up to $500 a pound!

Truffle-Hunting Pig

Pros:
-Very well-mannered pig -- wipes feet before entering home.
-No instruction manual needed; neither battery nor assembly required.
-Performs task of truffle-hunting as advertised... kind of.  (See "Cons.")

Cons:
-Chauvin did indeed lead me to truffles.  However, I remain unsure of whether or not this type of fungus even grows in my region of North America because when I told her I wanted some truffles Chauvin hopped on my computer, did a Google Maps search, and then dragged me down the street to the closest Godiva Chocolatier -- whereupon she broke through the glass case and ate the store's entire stock of sweets.  The manager was not amused.

Verdict:
Truffle-hunting pigs in their natural French environment may be revenue-generating investments, but in metropolitan America they are a hazard to your wallet.  However, I rate this pig three squeals out of five because she did have one redeeming quality: she makes a very tasty barbecue sandwich.

Racing Slugs Review

On Monday I received a new shipment from Acme Review Company.  The package was soggy.  Squishy.  As if Slimer from the old Ghostbusters movies had eaten it.  Upon opening the package, I learned why: ARC has sent me an entire team of racing slugs to review.

Going back through my contract, I found that since I'm still a junior reviewer, ARC is allowed to send me things to review even when I don't ask for them.  I am not looking forward to going to my mailbox for the next many months.

So, I decided to put them to the test.  I set up their racing track, lined it with salt so they wouldn't make a break for it, set them in their starting positions, put up the internet video camera for everyone who wanted to bet online [side note: who bets on slug races, and how do you find out about them?], and fired the starting pistol.

...I guess I'm going to have to finish this review next week once I have a winner.

Fish Hair Dryer Review

The salesman at my local pet store is smooth.

I went in expecting to buy a fish to put in an old glass bowl I have.  I came out with an entire aggregation of fish, an aquarium bigger than I am with all its accoutrements, a lifetime subscription to a fish magazine, and a kit for keeping my fish looking their best.

When I got the kit home, I found that some of its tools made sense.  There are pills to help keep the water from growing an overabundance of algae, a little thermostat to keep the water properly regulated, and vitamin droplets to keep my new fishy friends healthy.  The one piece of equipment that I'm a little unsure of is the thing I'm going to review today.

Fish Hair Dryer

(Disagreeing Mermaid disagrees with this review's verdict.)

Pros:

-Any hairy fish that want to look their best for a night on the town would probably want this product.
-If one of their fish suddenly sprouted hair, a savvy fish owner who had one of these babies would find himself prepared for Hairy Fish Armageddon.
-Useful for flummoxing nosy house guests.  "What's that?"  "A fish hair dryer."  "...Oh."

Cons:
-Used outside of the fish's aqueous environment, it will probably kill its intended recipient before it can do all that much drying. 
-Used in the water, it will probably kill ME.
-Fine print contains alarming warnings concerning various places one should not stick this hair dryer while in use.  Do people really do that?  Dear God, WHY?

Verdict:
At first glance, I would have rated this product three big, stinky fishes.  HOWEVER, I can only surmise that a product this pointless must have been thought up by a governmental organization that suddenly found itself inundated with an overabundance of "stimulus" dollars that it was required to spend in as quick a fashion as possible.  In other words, this product was never intended to actually make any useful contribution to society other than "get bought."  And since I bought it, it has inarguably served its purpose.  Therefore, my final product rating is three big, stinky fishes and a Nobel Prize on a sesame seed bun.

(John Maynard Keynes, look upon thy intellectual progeny and weep.)

Muffin Review

A package came by special delivery this morning addressed to "Improbable Reviews."  (Word is sure getting out fast about this blog!)  In it was a message from the owner of a company called The Muffin Ranch, requesting I review their product.

Muffins from the Muffin Ranch

Pros:
-These are the freshest muffin I have EVER tasted.
-Just the right temperature, no baking necessary.
-Come in a variety of sizes -- good for families with different levels of appetite.

Cons:
-If a company has gone to the trouble of creating a baked good/animal hybrid, you would think said company would at least think to breed the bones out of it!  I mean, really, if you take a bite of fish you almost expect bone to be in there somewhere, but a muffin?
-This is a vegetarian's nightmare.  The animalistic nature of this type of food wouldn't even make it onto the ingredients list.
-The blueberry muffins in particular were hard to catch once I got them out of their packaging.  I finally understand why my mother used to have a breadbox -- putting the muffins in the refrigerator would be cruel, but letting them sit in the pantry would just be asking for trouble.


Verdict: My tongue says no, but my tastebuds say yes.  Muffin Ranch, all I can say to you is this: if you open up a Donut Farm, I will be your first customer!

Gravity Review

Between getting up out of bed and sitting down at my desk, my day today has just been chock-full of gravity.  So I think it's high time someone reviewed this little concept.

Gravity

Pros:
Provides extra meaning to common phrases such as "He doesn't appreciate the gravity of the situation."
Keeps those poor Australians from falling off.
All the matter in the cosmos is kept in order with all the other matter around it partially due to this fundamental force.

Cons:
Safety hazard -- was once implicated as being the prime culprit in making an apple fall on Sir Isaac Newton's head.
Never being able to lose weight would severely crimp some ladies' recurrent New Year's Resolutions.
Makes poultry neurotic.  (Case in point: Chicken Little.)

Verdict: I think the most appropriate way to rate gravity is with one thumb up and one thumb down.

Orc Cookbook Review

An orangutan was hanging out on one of my book shelves this morning eating a banana when I came out for my morning cup of tea.  He said "Ook," which I vaguely translated as "Hi I'm a librarian from another world and I understand that you are improbably reviewing improbable things so I thought I would bring you a tame yet still improbable book for review kthxbieoldchap."

Even if the book were not improbable, I would still be reviewing it due to its mode of delivery.  It's not often one has such an august visitor from L-Space.

So, on to the review of "Granny Orc's Cookbook!"

Pros:
-The entire book is a picture book, making it accessible even to non-orc readers.
-Has some recipes I've certainly never heard of.  The only one I recognize is Swedish Meatballs... but I don't think I should tell you what part of the Swede the meatballs come from.
-A must-have for the eclectic cook.
-Includes recipes for lawyer, politician, and clown.

Cons:
-I found myself nibbling on myself partway through this cookbook, human sounded so tasty.
-Most of the ingredients mentioned in this book (hobbit, elf, etc.) are unavailable at the local grocer's.
-The "Troll Trifles" require a volcano for proper cooking.  Most kitchens do not have this appliance.

Verdict: This book is rated ook.

Collapsible Tophat Review

A time-traveling businessman from the late 19th century dropped by my laundry room today.  He thought he had invented a time machine that would bring him into the past by two years, but alas, his invention malfunctioned and landed him well over a century later.

As malfunctioning time machines are a dime a dozen, I declined the option of reviewing it.  Another of his inventions, however, I simply had to review: the Collapsible Tophat.

Pros:
Timelessly stylish. (Well, somewhat timeless.)
Perfect for storing the occasional rabbit (especially collapsible rabbits).
Sensible attire for competing in limbo contests.
For people who already feel freakishly tall, they can collapse it just a hair and feel better about themselves.

Cons:
Makes female wearers resemble Abraham Lincoln.  (shudder)
Prevalence of this article of clothing may allow for a covert invasion by the Coneheads.

Verdict: Given the decrease in manliness in the world over the past decade or two and the rise of the metrosexual, the reemergence of the tophat (especially a tophat which is an engineering marvel) is a necessary counter to the Dark Side of the Force.  Collapsible Tophat, you are hereby approved.

(insert large red "Approved" stamp image over last paragraph)

Moose-Filled Chocolate Review

Yesterday I joined the Acme Review Company's mailing list, and I though the first thing I would review from their catalog would be some nice chocolate.  Despite Forrest Gump's famous assertion, it's hard to go wrong with a good old cacao bean product, right?

Wrong.

Apparently the telephone customer service representative does not understand English syntax, because instead of receiving mousse-filled chocolate, I received moose-filled chocolate.

Yes, an entire moose.  Antlers and all.

Unfortunately, one of the tenets of the Acme Review Company is that when one of its reviewers receives a product to review, said reviewer is bound by law to review it.  (Hungry Weasels are mentioned in their List of Potential Dire Consequences, just to give you an idea.)  So, here goes nothing.

Moose-Filled Chocolate

Pros:
-Has chocolate.  Chocolate is good.
-Contains moose.  Moose is all-natural and preservative-free.
-Highly decorative.  Could make quite a talking piece in the living room.
-Can perhaps be used in place of a chocolate Easter Bunny for Canadian children?

Cons:
-It's FREAKIN' HUGE.  No one person could eat this in one sitting. (That is, provided they could stomach the thing at all.)
-In my opinion, it's a terrible idea to try to combine two courses in this fashion.  Yes it saves time, but... hair?  Hooves?  Antlers?
-How the heck did this confection get made, anyway?  Did the company lure a moose into a vat of chocolate?  Did the moose randomly wander in, and the company had to sell it on Ebay to make up for the lost profit of an entire chocolate batch?  Did the moose spontaneously manifest the ability to sweat chocolate?  No explanation suffices for this dessert's origins.

Verdict:
As much as I appreciate the efforts and genius of great culinary masters such as Swedish Chef, I must end this review with a "one thumb down" rating.  And I certainly hope the Acme Reviews Company will get their act together for the next time I review one of their products.

Review review

Improbable Reviews' inaugural review shall be a review of its first review, "Review review."  Of course, it's quite difficult to review this review due to its quasi-existent self-referential state.  The very act of reviewing it brings about a paradoxical situation, which makes for a most unsatisfactory rating system.

A second difficulty in reviewing this review is the number of uses of the word "review," in both of its functions as noun and verb.  ...Funny, isn't it, how looking at the same word so many times in a row makes the brain want to question whether said word is spelled correctly -- and how it makes the brain want to leap from your head screaming, "Stop looking at that word; I can't take it anymore!"  (Go reread the first sentence out loud five times in a row.  I dare you.  You'll see what I mean.)

Yet a third difficulty in reviewing this review (brain: "Argh!") is the inherent conflict of interest.  'Nuff said?

Therefore, let us turn to an impartial judge to receive our verdict.  Sir, if you would be so kind...

...and the verdict is: A hearty two arms up!  Of course, given that our judge is a cuttlefish, that's not saying much, now is it?


Ladies and gentlemen (and cuttlefish), Welcome To Improbable Reviews!