Review of Extraday

I can't get this blog's software to work correctly, for some reason.  It keeps trying to say that it's Thursday, but it's not!  It's... (cue ominous mix of Darth Vader Theme and Jaws Theme) ...Extraday.

It might seem a bit silly to "review" a day, but since people often say their favorite day of the week is Friday and their least favorite is Monday, it obviously shows that days of the week can be rated on a qualitative, if not quantitative, scale of measurement.  Let us do so now.

Extraday

Pros:
-Inserts itself into the week either before or after Wednesday on an unpredictable schedule, which makes life a little more exciting.
-Can add some much-needed extra hours to a work week when there simply hasn't been enough time to get everything done.
-Reduces the mathematical inaccuracy of the Beatles' classic love song, "Eight Days a Week."

Cons:
-Only ever appears when the week is already dragging by on its way to a weekend of awesome, delaying said awesomeness.
-Fouls up both the astrological calendar and the Gregorian calendar something awful, requiring mass brainwashing and removal of memories by Men in Black.
-Throws off the theme for the rest of the days of the week.  Wednesday = Wodin's Day, Thursday = Thor's Day, etc., whereas Extraday is only self-descriptive.

Verdict: I would have given Extraday eight stopwatches out of ten, but since Extraday is a cousin of the 29th of February, I realize it's coming in with a handicap.  Therefore, I rate it a ...
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..........I'm sorry, I think I just had a visitor and forgot what I was writing about fnord fnord.  Where was I?  ...I guess I'll just have to try again, maybe after a little nap...

Disco Zombies Review

Apparently Acme Reviewing Company has an Arts & Entertainment division.  I received two tickets in the mail for a dance recital in downtown Greensboro.  Eager to get to review something that for once did not invade my home in some way, I arrived early at the dance hall.

Fashionably late would have been better.

Disco Zombies

Pros:
-Shuffling gait and jerky gestures overlapped in the type of creature and the type of dancing.
-Zombies on roller skates were tragically hilarious.
-Against all odds, the event attracted a large number of rather pretty and rather violent young women who, just like in the movies, proceeded to end the show and "bring down the house"... literally.

Cons:
-Zombies: repulsive.
-Disco: repulsive.
-Proliferation of polyester did little to keep all body parts attached to the zombies, causing dancers to trip over each others' parts.  Did I mention repulsive?

Verdict:
Dear God, how did I come out of this with any sanity left to my name?  Whatever math major dreamt this up needs to do the human race a favor and go divide himself by zero.  In this case, a negative times a negative does NOT produce a positive: it's more like repulsive, squared.  I give these disco zombies twenty-two severed, rotting thumbs down.

Armageddon Couch Review

Something was not right when I went to sit on couch.  It had been replaced by an Armageddon Couch, from Couches of Doom (tm).  How the Couches of Doom movers managed to get in here, take my couch, and replace it with the Armageddon Couch I have no idea, but there it was.  They didn't leave any notes or instructions, but I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to review it -- unless this is just something that Couches of Doom does, perhaps?  If it is, I don't think much of their business model.  Not only are they giving their product away and making no profit, they're also breaking and entering, and may go to jail if they try this with someone who is not enslaved to the Acme Reviewing Company.

Armageddon Couch

Pros:
-Cushy, overstuffed piece of furniture.
-Stain-resistant, bedbug-resistant, nuclearholocaust-resistant.
-Cats would find themselves unintentionally de-clawed if they tried to use this sucker as a scratching post.

Cons:
-Owning something that is specifically engineered to last longer than you are is a constant reminder of one's mortality.  (This may be a "pro" for the Carpe Diem type of personality.)
-Impossible to move.  You think that couch you've had since college was difficult to get down a flight of dorm steps with the help of a friend or two lured by the promise of free pizza?  Try moving something that weighs more than the rest of my house combined and is so slick you can't even sit down quickly for fear of sliding off into the coffee table, let alone get a grip on it!
-Who the heck needs a couch that can survive a nuclear explosion?  "Oh, wow, I can sleep soundly tonight: if a nuclear bomb goes off, at least my skeleton can lay on this ridiculous sofa for eternity.  What a great investment -- it's like an open-faced coffin you get to use before you die, too!"

Verdict:
I give this Armageddon Couch two hearty mushroom clouds up.  Despite its unnecessariness, lack of maneuverability, and philosophical deadweight, the product certainly lives up to its description and claims.  ...Now, would you please come back and take it away, Couches of Doom movers?  Or at least shift it back three inches.  I'm banging my shins against the coffee table every time I get on or off.

(And for those of you who are eagerly following the race, yes, the slugs are still going.)

Truffle-Hunting Pig Review

Living as close to Lexington, NC as I do, pigs tend to get a bit nervous when they enter the region.  (For those of you who do not know, Lexington is considered one of the barbecue capitals of the world specifically for their pork.)  So I was a little surprised to find a pig with a nametag collar sitting at my front door this morning, staring up at me from the welcome mat.  A note attached to the collar indicated that this swine (whose name is Chauvin) was a specially bred truffle-hunting pig, trained by none other than the world-famous French hogmaster, Peurkeigh Piggh.  He asked me to review his swine's abilities, and I was only happy to oblige -- after all, truffles can go for up to $500 a pound!

Truffle-Hunting Pig

Pros:
-Very well-mannered pig -- wipes feet before entering home.
-No instruction manual needed; neither battery nor assembly required.
-Performs task of truffle-hunting as advertised... kind of.  (See "Cons.")

Cons:
-Chauvin did indeed lead me to truffles.  However, I remain unsure of whether or not this type of fungus even grows in my region of North America because when I told her I wanted some truffles Chauvin hopped on my computer, did a Google Maps search, and then dragged me down the street to the closest Godiva Chocolatier -- whereupon she broke through the glass case and ate the store's entire stock of sweets.  The manager was not amused.

Verdict:
Truffle-hunting pigs in their natural French environment may be revenue-generating investments, but in metropolitan America they are a hazard to your wallet.  However, I rate this pig three squeals out of five because she did have one redeeming quality: she makes a very tasty barbecue sandwich.