On Monday I received a new shipment from Acme Review Company. The package was soggy. Squishy. As if Slimer from the old Ghostbusters movies had eaten it. Upon opening the package, I learned why: ARC has sent me an entire team of racing slugs to review.
Going back through my contract, I found that since I'm still a junior reviewer, ARC is allowed to send me things to review even when I don't ask for them. I am not looking forward to going to my mailbox for the next many months.
So, I decided to put them to the test. I set up their racing track, lined it with salt so they wouldn't make a break for it, set them in their starting positions, put up the internet video camera for everyone who wanted to bet online [side note: who bets on slug races, and how do you find out about them?], and fired the starting pistol.
...I guess I'm going to have to finish this review next week once I have a winner.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Fish Hair Dryer Review
The salesman at my local pet store is smooth.
I went in expecting to buy a fish to put in an old glass bowl I have. I came out with an entire aggregation of fish, an aquarium bigger than I am with all its accoutrements, a lifetime subscription to a fish magazine, and a kit for keeping my fish looking their best.
When I got the kit home, I found that some of its tools made sense. There are pills to help keep the water from growing an overabundance of algae, a little thermostat to keep the water properly regulated, and vitamin droplets to keep my new fishy friends healthy. The one piece of equipment that I'm a little unsure of is the thing I'm going to review today.
Pros:-Any hairy fish that want to look their best for a night on the town would probably want this product.
-If one of their fish suddenly sprouted hair, a savvy fish owner who had one of these babies would find himself prepared for Hairy Fish Armageddon.
-Useful for flummoxing nosy house guests. "What's that?" "A fish hair dryer." "...Oh."
Cons:
-Used outside of the fish's aqueous environment, it will probably kill its intended recipient before it can do all that much drying.
-Used in the water, it will probably kill ME.
-Fine print contains alarming warnings concerning various places one should not stick this hair dryer while in use. Do people really do that? Dear God, WHY?
Verdict:
At first glance, I would have rated this product three big, stinky fishes. HOWEVER, I can only surmise that a product this pointless must have been thought up by a governmental organization that suddenly found itself inundated with an overabundance of "stimulus" dollars that it was required to spend in as quick a fashion as possible. In other words, this product was never intended to actually make any useful contribution to society other than "get bought." And since I bought it, it has inarguably served its purpose. Therefore, my final product rating is three big, stinky fishes and a Nobel Prize on a sesame seed bun.
(John Maynard Keynes, look upon thy intellectual progeny and weep.)
I went in expecting to buy a fish to put in an old glass bowl I have. I came out with an entire aggregation of fish, an aquarium bigger than I am with all its accoutrements, a lifetime subscription to a fish magazine, and a kit for keeping my fish looking their best.
When I got the kit home, I found that some of its tools made sense. There are pills to help keep the water from growing an overabundance of algae, a little thermostat to keep the water properly regulated, and vitamin droplets to keep my new fishy friends healthy. The one piece of equipment that I'm a little unsure of is the thing I'm going to review today.
Fish Hair Dryer
(Disagreeing Mermaid disagrees with this review's verdict.)
Pros:
-If one of their fish suddenly sprouted hair, a savvy fish owner who had one of these babies would find himself prepared for Hairy Fish Armageddon.
-Useful for flummoxing nosy house guests. "What's that?" "A fish hair dryer." "...Oh."
Cons:
-Used outside of the fish's aqueous environment, it will probably kill its intended recipient before it can do all that much drying.
-Used in the water, it will probably kill ME.
-Fine print contains alarming warnings concerning various places one should not stick this hair dryer while in use. Do people really do that? Dear God, WHY?
Verdict:
At first glance, I would have rated this product three big, stinky fishes. HOWEVER, I can only surmise that a product this pointless must have been thought up by a governmental organization that suddenly found itself inundated with an overabundance of "stimulus" dollars that it was required to spend in as quick a fashion as possible. In other words, this product was never intended to actually make any useful contribution to society other than "get bought." And since I bought it, it has inarguably served its purpose. Therefore, my final product rating is three big, stinky fishes and a Nobel Prize on a sesame seed bun.
(John Maynard Keynes, look upon thy intellectual progeny and weep.)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Muffin Review
A package came by special delivery this morning addressed to "Improbable Reviews." (Word is sure getting out fast about this blog!) In it was a message from the owner of a company called The Muffin Ranch, requesting I review their product.
Pros:
-These are the freshest muffin I have EVER tasted.
-Just the right temperature, no baking necessary.
-Come in a variety of sizes -- good for families with different levels of appetite.
Cons:
-If a company has gone to the trouble of creating a baked good/animal hybrid, you would think said company would at least think to breed the bones out of it! I mean, really, if you take a bite of fish you almost expect bone to be in there somewhere, but a muffin?
-This is a vegetarian's nightmare. The animalistic nature of this type of food wouldn't even make it onto the ingredients list.
-The blueberry muffins in particular were hard to catch once I got them out of their packaging. I finally understand why my mother used to have a breadbox -- putting the muffins in the refrigerator would be cruel, but letting them sit in the pantry would just be asking for trouble.
Verdict: My tongue says no, but my tastebuds say yes. Muffin Ranch, all I can say to you is this: if you open up a Donut Farm, I will be your first customer!
Muffins from the Muffin Ranch
Pros:
-These are the freshest muffin I have EVER tasted.
-Just the right temperature, no baking necessary.
-Come in a variety of sizes -- good for families with different levels of appetite.
Cons:
-If a company has gone to the trouble of creating a baked good/animal hybrid, you would think said company would at least think to breed the bones out of it! I mean, really, if you take a bite of fish you almost expect bone to be in there somewhere, but a muffin?
-This is a vegetarian's nightmare. The animalistic nature of this type of food wouldn't even make it onto the ingredients list.
-The blueberry muffins in particular were hard to catch once I got them out of their packaging. I finally understand why my mother used to have a breadbox -- putting the muffins in the refrigerator would be cruel, but letting them sit in the pantry would just be asking for trouble.
Verdict: My tongue says no, but my tastebuds say yes. Muffin Ranch, all I can say to you is this: if you open up a Donut Farm, I will be your first customer!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Gravity Review
Between getting up out of bed and sitting down at my desk, my day today has just been chock-full of gravity. So I think it's high time someone reviewed this little concept.
Pros:
Provides extra meaning to common phrases such as "He doesn't appreciate the gravity of the situation."
Keeps those poor Australians from falling off.
All the matter in the cosmos is kept in order with all the other matter around it partially due to this fundamental force.
Cons:
Safety hazard -- was once implicated as being the prime culprit in making an apple fall on Sir Isaac Newton's head.
Never being able to lose weight would severely crimp some ladies' recurrent New Year's Resolutions.
Makes poultry neurotic. (Case in point: Chicken Little.)
Verdict: I think the most appropriate way to rate gravity is with one thumb up and one thumb down.
Gravity
Pros:
Provides extra meaning to common phrases such as "He doesn't appreciate the gravity of the situation."
Keeps those poor Australians from falling off.
All the matter in the cosmos is kept in order with all the other matter around it partially due to this fundamental force.
Cons:
Safety hazard -- was once implicated as being the prime culprit in making an apple fall on Sir Isaac Newton's head.
Never being able to lose weight would severely crimp some ladies' recurrent New Year's Resolutions.
Makes poultry neurotic. (Case in point: Chicken Little.)
Verdict: I think the most appropriate way to rate gravity is with one thumb up and one thumb down.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Orc Cookbook Review
An orangutan was hanging out on one of my book shelves this morning eating a banana when I came out for my morning cup of tea. He said "Ook," which I vaguely translated as "Hi I'm a librarian from another world and I understand that you are improbably reviewing improbable things so I thought I would bring you a tame yet still improbable book for review kthxbieoldchap."
Even if the book were not improbable, I would still be reviewing it due to its mode of delivery. It's not often one has such an august visitor from L-Space.
So, on to the review of "Granny Orc's Cookbook!"
Pros:
-The entire book is a picture book, making it accessible even to non-orc readers.
-Has some recipes I've certainly never heard of. The only one I recognize is Swedish Meatballs... but I don't think I should tell you what part of the Swede the meatballs come from.
-A must-have for the eclectic cook.
-Includes recipes for lawyer, politician, and clown.
Cons:
-I found myself nibbling on myself partway through this cookbook, human sounded so tasty.
-Most of the ingredients mentioned in this book (hobbit, elf, etc.) are unavailable at the local grocer's.
-The "Troll Trifles" require a volcano for proper cooking. Most kitchens do not have this appliance.
Verdict: This book is rated ook.
Even if the book were not improbable, I would still be reviewing it due to its mode of delivery. It's not often one has such an august visitor from L-Space.
So, on to the review of "Granny Orc's Cookbook!"
Pros:
-The entire book is a picture book, making it accessible even to non-orc readers.
-Has some recipes I've certainly never heard of. The only one I recognize is Swedish Meatballs... but I don't think I should tell you what part of the Swede the meatballs come from.
-A must-have for the eclectic cook.
-Includes recipes for lawyer, politician, and clown.
Cons:
-I found myself nibbling on myself partway through this cookbook, human sounded so tasty.
-Most of the ingredients mentioned in this book (hobbit, elf, etc.) are unavailable at the local grocer's.
-The "Troll Trifles" require a volcano for proper cooking. Most kitchens do not have this appliance.
Verdict: This book is rated ook.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Collapsible Tophat Review
A time-traveling businessman from the late 19th century dropped by my laundry room today. He thought he had invented a time machine that would bring him into the past by two years, but alas, his invention malfunctioned and landed him well over a century later.
As malfunctioning time machines are a dime a dozen, I declined the option of reviewing it. Another of his inventions, however, I simply had to review: the Collapsible Tophat.
Pros:
Timelessly stylish. (Well, somewhat timeless.)
Perfect for storing the occasional rabbit (especially collapsible rabbits).
Sensible attire for competing in limbo contests.
For people who already feel freakishly tall, they can collapse it just a hair and feel better about themselves.
Cons:
Makes female wearers resemble Abraham Lincoln. (shudder)
Prevalence of this article of clothing may allow for a covert invasion by the Coneheads.
Verdict: Given the decrease in manliness in the world over the past decade or two and the rise of the metrosexual, the reemergence of the tophat (especially a tophat which is an engineering marvel) is a necessary counter to the Dark Side of the Force. Collapsible Tophat, you are hereby approved.
(insert large red "Approved" stamp image over last paragraph)
As malfunctioning time machines are a dime a dozen, I declined the option of reviewing it. Another of his inventions, however, I simply had to review: the Collapsible Tophat.
Pros:
Timelessly stylish. (Well, somewhat timeless.)
Perfect for storing the occasional rabbit (especially collapsible rabbits).
Sensible attire for competing in limbo contests.
For people who already feel freakishly tall, they can collapse it just a hair and feel better about themselves.
Cons:
Makes female wearers resemble Abraham Lincoln. (shudder)
Prevalence of this article of clothing may allow for a covert invasion by the Coneheads.
Verdict: Given the decrease in manliness in the world over the past decade or two and the rise of the metrosexual, the reemergence of the tophat (especially a tophat which is an engineering marvel) is a necessary counter to the Dark Side of the Force. Collapsible Tophat, you are hereby approved.
(insert large red "Approved" stamp image over last paragraph)
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Moose-Filled Chocolate Review
Yesterday I joined the Acme Review Company's mailing list, and I though the first thing I would review from their catalog would be some nice chocolate. Despite Forrest Gump's famous assertion, it's hard to go wrong with a good old cacao bean product, right?
Wrong.
Apparently the telephone customer service representative does not understand English syntax, because instead of receiving mousse-filled chocolate, I received moose-filled chocolate.
Yes, an entire moose. Antlers and all.
Unfortunately, one of the tenets of the Acme Review Company is that when one of its reviewers receives a product to review, said reviewer is bound by law to review it. (Hungry Weasels are mentioned in their List of Potential Dire Consequences, just to give you an idea.) So, here goes nothing.
Pros:
-Has chocolate. Chocolate is good.
-Contains moose. Moose is all-natural and preservative-free.
-Highly decorative. Could make quite a talking piece in the living room.
-Can perhaps be used in place of a chocolate Easter Bunny for Canadian children?
Cons:
-It's FREAKIN' HUGE. No one person could eat this in one sitting. (That is, provided they could stomach the thing at all.)
-In my opinion, it's a terrible idea to try to combine two courses in this fashion. Yes it saves time, but... hair? Hooves? Antlers?
-How the heck did this confection get made, anyway? Did the company lure a moose into a vat of chocolate? Did the moose randomly wander in, and the company had to sell it on Ebay to make up for the lost profit of an entire chocolate batch? Did the moose spontaneously manifest the ability to sweat chocolate? No explanation suffices for this dessert's origins.
Verdict:
As much as I appreciate the efforts and genius of great culinary masters such as Swedish Chef, I must end this review with a "one thumb down" rating. And I certainly hope the Acme Reviews Company will get their act together for the next time I review one of their products.
Wrong.
Apparently the telephone customer service representative does not understand English syntax, because instead of receiving mousse-filled chocolate, I received moose-filled chocolate.
Yes, an entire moose. Antlers and all.
Unfortunately, one of the tenets of the Acme Review Company is that when one of its reviewers receives a product to review, said reviewer is bound by law to review it. (Hungry Weasels are mentioned in their List of Potential Dire Consequences, just to give you an idea.) So, here goes nothing.
Moose-Filled Chocolate
Pros:
-Has chocolate. Chocolate is good.
-Contains moose. Moose is all-natural and preservative-free.
-Highly decorative. Could make quite a talking piece in the living room.
-Can perhaps be used in place of a chocolate Easter Bunny for Canadian children?
Cons:
-It's FREAKIN' HUGE. No one person could eat this in one sitting. (That is, provided they could stomach the thing at all.)
-In my opinion, it's a terrible idea to try to combine two courses in this fashion. Yes it saves time, but... hair? Hooves? Antlers?
-How the heck did this confection get made, anyway? Did the company lure a moose into a vat of chocolate? Did the moose randomly wander in, and the company had to sell it on Ebay to make up for the lost profit of an entire chocolate batch? Did the moose spontaneously manifest the ability to sweat chocolate? No explanation suffices for this dessert's origins.
Verdict:
As much as I appreciate the efforts and genius of great culinary masters such as Swedish Chef, I must end this review with a "one thumb down" rating. And I certainly hope the Acme Reviews Company will get their act together for the next time I review one of their products.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Review review
Improbable Reviews' inaugural review shall be a review of its first review, "Review review." Of course, it's quite difficult to review this review due to its quasi-existent self-referential state. The very act of reviewing it brings about a paradoxical situation, which makes for a most unsatisfactory rating system.
A second difficulty in reviewing this review is the number of uses of the word "review," in both of its functions as noun and verb. ...Funny, isn't it, how looking at the same word so many times in a row makes the brain want to question whether said word is spelled correctly -- and how it makes the brain want to leap from your head screaming, "Stop looking at that word; I can't take it anymore!" (Go reread the first sentence out loud five times in a row. I dare you. You'll see what I mean.)
Yet a third difficulty in reviewing this review (brain: "Argh!") is the inherent conflict of interest. 'Nuff said?
Therefore, let us turn to an impartial judge to receive our verdict. Sir, if you would be so kind...
...and the verdict is: A hearty two arms up! Of course, given that our judge is a cuttlefish, that's not saying much, now is it?
Ladies and gentlemen (and cuttlefish), Welcome To Improbable Reviews!
A second difficulty in reviewing this review is the number of uses of the word "review," in both of its functions as noun and verb. ...Funny, isn't it, how looking at the same word so many times in a row makes the brain want to question whether said word is spelled correctly -- and how it makes the brain want to leap from your head screaming, "Stop looking at that word; I can't take it anymore!" (Go reread the first sentence out loud five times in a row. I dare you. You'll see what I mean.)
Yet a third difficulty in reviewing this review (brain: "Argh!") is the inherent conflict of interest. 'Nuff said?
Therefore, let us turn to an impartial judge to receive our verdict. Sir, if you would be so kind...
...and the verdict is: A hearty two arms up! Of course, given that our judge is a cuttlefish, that's not saying much, now is it?
Ladies and gentlemen (and cuttlefish), Welcome To Improbable Reviews!
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