FelineMan Review

A recurrent trend in older comic books was as follows:

1. Create male superhero.
2. Create offshoot characters, e.g., sidekick and supervillains.
3. Create female version of superhero, either as villain to play off superhero or as her own superheroine branch of the franchise so there is something to market to female comic book readers.

A more modern trend in Japan is for female anime characters to become "catgirls," female humanoids with cat-like qualities such as ears and tails.  They also have their opposite-gender companions.

...Why so long a preface to this review?   Because I'm still trying to understand the origins of that which arrived on my doorstep today.  The sigh of a box with holes in it is one to make me shudder nowadays (remember the last time that happened?), especially considering the size of this one, but I knew that if I left it alone whatever was inside would probably die, and I'm not that cruel.

FelineMan Review

Pros:
-FelineMan has fabulous powers.
-FelineMan can lick himself.  After a sufficient amount of licks, FelineMan can expectorate high-speed hairball projectiles to knock a villain clean off his feet in a non-lethal fashion.
-FelineMan is, contrary to my intial suspicions, very kind to dogs.
-FelineMan's reaction to catnip will provide hours of entertainment.

Cons:
-FelineMan came with fleas.
-FelineMan's singing voice leaves something to be desired.
-FelineMan can use a can opener all on his own.  This resulted in the decimation of all my canned goods before I returned home today.  He didn't even eat any of it; he just opened everything.
-FelineMan's weakness is hair products.  And, unfortunately, he found the can of porcupine hairspray left over from a few reviews ago...

Verdict: I was unable to complete my review of this FelineMan since curiosity did, indeed, kill the cat.

Posted Review of a Post

Have you ever seen those signs that say "Posted" stapled to trees and fences on the side of the road, signifying private property or some such thing?  Well, I think someone has taken that concept a little too far.

A "Postal" Review

Pros:
-It certainly gets its point across.
-If a trespasser's lawyer were to try to point out that the prosecution had not posted a sign properly, this sign would remove all doubt.
-If, and I reiterate IF, this sign is a parody trying to show that putting the word "Posted" at the top of a posted sign is a ridiculous waste of space, then well done.

Cons:
-Self-destructively self-referencing.  'Nuff said.

Verdict:  I deem this sign to be postable, but only in special situations.  Use judgment accordingly.

Review of Being a Wal-Mart Parking Lot

I had the strangest dream.  However, given the date, I must recognize that it wasn't actually a dream -- it was a reality, however improbable such a reality might be: I became a Wal-Mart parking lot for a few months.

(Yeah.  You've probably been wondering why I haven't been updating my blog more often.  Well, let me tell you, it's kinda hard to type when you DON'T HAVE ANY FINGERS.  Holy Indian Cow, ACME Reviewing Company!  After going through my contract I realize you're allowed to change my existence when necessary to accomplish a review, but really?)

Review of Being a Wal-Mart Parking Lot

Pros:
-Never have I appreciated all that asphalt does for us more.
-I think I have seen enough undercarriages of all makes and models of cars to become a mechanic, if I should ever (be so fortunate as to) lose this reviewing gig.
-Having spent most of the last two months watching traffic patterns on myself, I now have an uncanny ability to find the empty parking space which is closest to the door nine times out of a trial of ten.

Cons:
-When you're a parking lot, you have no choice but to let people walk all over you.
-Personally encountering that much used spitting tobacco, vomit, alcohol, trash, etc., has never been a life goal of mine.
-The undercarriage of cars was not the only 'underview' with which I was graced.  Upskirt, uppant, upshorts, upkilt, updiaper, upoveralls... and let me tell you, the view was NOT pretty.
-I didn't get a lunch break.  Admittedly I didn't have a stomach at the time, but it's the principle of the thing.

Verdict:
I rate this experience three words: DO NOT WANT!

Porcupine Hairspray Review

Receiving a cardboard box with holes in it from ACME Reviews is an alarming way to start out the day.

Upon opening the box, I found that either the number of holes had been insufficient to keep the porcupine alive, or else the poor creature had frozen to death in the cold temperatures we've been having this morning.

...As a side note, I have to say that I certainly wonder what delivery company ACME Reviews uses as their postal service.  UPS and FEDEX don't deliver before 5AM, do they?

Anyway.

Along with the porcupine was a bottle of hairspray.  For porcupines.

Puzzled?  So was I.  But I'll get into that in my review.

Unfortunately, I couldn't really use the spray on a dead porcupine and call it a proper review, so I went down to the convenience store on the corner and bought a porcupine.  I hope I get reimbursed for such expenditures.

Porcupine Hairspray Review

Pros:
-Extra-strength marking on package is not a lie.
-Blowback from aerosol is enough to keep one's arm hair sticking up through at least two days and six showers.
-Definitely gives your porcupine a distinct new hairdo.

Cons:
-OMG IT WON'T COME OFF!
-Very 90's.  Can you say "Big Hair?"
-Okay, ACME Reviews.  Really.  How many of your reviewers SURVIVE their first year on the job?  I mean, you have sent me some amazingly dangerous stuff, and the litany of antagonistic products does not appear to be abating!  What am I supposed to do with a porcupine which has its quills sticking out in every direction of the XYZ axis?  I have a Prickly Ball of Death rolling around my home now!

Verdict:
The makers of PorcuSpray have inadvertently created a rival to Viagra.  I therefore rate this product one erect (censored).

Twilight Effect Review (kinda)

Okay, so I've never seen a Twilight movie or read a Twilight book, but as of today I can certainly talk about its effects on the human population.

I happened to walk by a glitter factory today, and someone had evidently left one of the air vents open to outside because I got a good dosing of microscopic sparklies that WOULD NOT COME OFF.  (If you've ever worked in a preschool, you know what I mean.)  Thereafter, for the rest of the day I had to hide from sight: all the females around me wanted to have carnal knowledge of my body, and all the men (well, the straight ones, anyway) appeared to want to murder me. 

What the heck is wrong with this Twilight thing?  Why did it make people want to shag me or kill me or both (and not necessarily in that order) just for looking like a preschool art project?

Verdict: I rate the Effect of Twilight to be two glue sticks.

Review of Extraday

I can't get this blog's software to work correctly, for some reason.  It keeps trying to say that it's Thursday, but it's not!  It's... (cue ominous mix of Darth Vader Theme and Jaws Theme) ...Extraday.

It might seem a bit silly to "review" a day, but since people often say their favorite day of the week is Friday and their least favorite is Monday, it obviously shows that days of the week can be rated on a qualitative, if not quantitative, scale of measurement.  Let us do so now.

Extraday

Pros:
-Inserts itself into the week either before or after Wednesday on an unpredictable schedule, which makes life a little more exciting.
-Can add some much-needed extra hours to a work week when there simply hasn't been enough time to get everything done.
-Reduces the mathematical inaccuracy of the Beatles' classic love song, "Eight Days a Week."

Cons:
-Only ever appears when the week is already dragging by on its way to a weekend of awesome, delaying said awesomeness.
-Fouls up both the astrological calendar and the Gregorian calendar something awful, requiring mass brainwashing and removal of memories by Men in Black.
-Throws off the theme for the rest of the days of the week.  Wednesday = Wodin's Day, Thursday = Thor's Day, etc., whereas Extraday is only self-descriptive.

Verdict: I would have given Extraday eight stopwatches out of ten, but since Extraday is a cousin of the 29th of February, I realize it's coming in with a handicap.  Therefore, I rate it a ...
...
.....
........
..........I'm sorry, I think I just had a visitor and forgot what I was writing about fnord fnord.  Where was I?  ...I guess I'll just have to try again, maybe after a little nap...

Disco Zombies Review

Apparently Acme Reviewing Company has an Arts & Entertainment division.  I received two tickets in the mail for a dance recital in downtown Greensboro.  Eager to get to review something that for once did not invade my home in some way, I arrived early at the dance hall.

Fashionably late would have been better.

Disco Zombies

Pros:
-Shuffling gait and jerky gestures overlapped in the type of creature and the type of dancing.
-Zombies on roller skates were tragically hilarious.
-Against all odds, the event attracted a large number of rather pretty and rather violent young women who, just like in the movies, proceeded to end the show and "bring down the house"... literally.

Cons:
-Zombies: repulsive.
-Disco: repulsive.
-Proliferation of polyester did little to keep all body parts attached to the zombies, causing dancers to trip over each others' parts.  Did I mention repulsive?

Verdict:
Dear God, how did I come out of this with any sanity left to my name?  Whatever math major dreamt this up needs to do the human race a favor and go divide himself by zero.  In this case, a negative times a negative does NOT produce a positive: it's more like repulsive, squared.  I give these disco zombies twenty-two severed, rotting thumbs down.